I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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