I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
