Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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