I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We need a shit load of segways right now
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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