I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
zippers are such a cool invention
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
