Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
