we made out on top of his cat.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
