you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
