Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
