you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
