Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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