Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
