I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
