i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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