Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
