im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
