thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
