the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
