She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wish you could order shots online.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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