I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
