He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
