2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
they need to just BURY HIM!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
