new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
