I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
