Do vagina's smell?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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