Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize