Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
