3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
