She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
