Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
