took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
