My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
last night I used snow as a chaser
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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