I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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