then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wanna passion pit in your ass
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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