Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
