you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
