I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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