Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
