I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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