and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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