I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
