Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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