My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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