I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
