My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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