not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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