the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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