I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
