definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
