I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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