Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
