It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
