I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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